my diagnosis

My diagnosis. My specific diagnosis is: adjustment disorder with anxiety and depression. Doesn't exactly roll of the tongue does it?

I saw a therapist for the first time ever today. I think I like her. I almost posted this link on facebook but I'm pretty sure mental health stuff is supposed to be kept private. I don't know why. If someone is going to hold it against me that I'm messed up because my baby died...that person has more issues than I do.

I'll probably regret this from a financial standpoint but I've decided to make an end run around my MD and go straight to a psychiatrist to manage my new meds. (unless they decide I don't need them but I'm pretty certain I qualify) I'm nervous to start mood-altering drugs and I really want someone who knows what they're doing in charge.

Oh yes, this means that I'll be under the care of both a psychologist AND a psychiatrist. (at least I think my therapist is a psychologist, she has a PhD anyway) How special am I?

Baby girl should be 2 weeks old today. I wasn't so busy thinking about myself today that I forgot.

if

Mary would be one week old today if she had been healthy and born on her due date. That's a hell of an "if" isn't it?

Some people have seemed dismayed that I'm still struggling. I understand. They never knew Mary as an individual. I lost a baby. To most of the world I lost a pregnancy. But you know, I didn't just lose a baby. I lost a baby, a toddler, a middle-schooler, a teen and an adult child. She will always be missing. If, by the grace of God, we get pregnant again and are blessed with a healthy child, she will still be missing. If we have 12 healthy children, guess what...she will still be missing. That's not to say that I won't become more skilled at dealing with it. But I will never get over it. That's as it should be.