Rabbit Hole

Against my better judgment I watched the movie "The Rabbit Hole" last week. If you're not familiar with it, the story revolves around a couple whose 4 year old was killed after he darted into traffic 8 months prior. I thought it was well done.

The scene that really captured my attention took place between the bereaved mother and the teenager who was driving the car that hit her son. The teenage boy is "confessing" that he may have been speeding when the accident happened. He's not sure, but the speed limit was 30mph and he might have been going 31 or 32. At that moment I identified with both of them, the mother whose child had died and the person who is/isn't responsible. You can tell that she knows that 1 or 2 miles per hour wouldn't have made any difference, she doesn't blame him. And he probably knows it too, but he's still struggling with the 'if only'. One lousy mile per hour. Most likely it wouldn't have mattered, but then again what if it did? She's come to terms with it just being an accident. One of those things that happens.

I was getting a bit annoyed with my OB. For every "but what if I..." she countered with "it wouldn't have mattered." It's just one of those things that happens. An accident of nature. I think it's supposed to be freeing, the idea that I didn't do anything wrong. But sometimes it drives me crazy. My brain keeps searching for something, anything that I should have done differently. Because if that 1 or 2 miles an hour did matter then I can drive 30 for the rest of my life and my next baby will be ok.