alternate reality

Yesterday the moment came that I had been preparing for. I was looking at a house while Chris was at work. The realtor casually asked that ubiquitous question, "Do you have any children?" In my head I responded just as I'd rehearsed. A calm, matter of fact, "No living children." No hysterics, no drama just a simple acknowledgment of my daughter's existence. What actually came out was a cheery, "Not yet!"

Maybe it was better that way. Certainly more comfortable for her. Less comfortable for me though. My poor baby girl, not only did you not survive, now I'm pretending like you were never here. All for the comfort of strangers.

I'm going to have to learn to live with the alternate reality I'm now in. Everyone who doesn't know sees Chris and I as a childless couple, which I guess we are. But I know that I have/had a daughter. That she was real and opinionated and very much her own little self. I carried her. I gave birth to her. I'm her mother. I'm a mother with no child to show for it. This puts me in a strange, cruel place.

Rabbit Hole

Against my better judgment I watched the movie "The Rabbit Hole" last week. If you're not familiar with it, the story revolves around a couple whose 4 year old was killed after he darted into traffic 8 months prior. I thought it was well done.

The scene that really captured my attention took place between the bereaved mother and the teenager who was driving the car that hit her son. The teenage boy is "confessing" that he may have been speeding when the accident happened. He's not sure, but the speed limit was 30mph and he might have been going 31 or 32. At that moment I identified with both of them, the mother whose child had died and the person who is/isn't responsible. You can tell that she knows that 1 or 2 miles per hour wouldn't have made any difference, she doesn't blame him. And he probably knows it too, but he's still struggling with the 'if only'. One lousy mile per hour. Most likely it wouldn't have mattered, but then again what if it did? She's come to terms with it just being an accident. One of those things that happens.

I was getting a bit annoyed with my OB. For every "but what if I..." she countered with "it wouldn't have mattered." It's just one of those things that happens. An accident of nature. I think it's supposed to be freeing, the idea that I didn't do anything wrong. But sometimes it drives me crazy. My brain keeps searching for something, anything that I should have done differently. Because if that 1 or 2 miles an hour did matter then I can drive 30 for the rest of my life and my next baby will be ok.

buckle up

I woke up this morning to find that I'm ok. Not, you know, great. But fine. I guess that's why they call this grief thing a roller coaster.

bad day :o(

I went to bed aching physically and emotionally last night. The rest and medicine did wonders for the soreness but I was still heartsick when I woke up this morning. I'm so glad to be working half-days this week. I wish that could go on for a bit more but pug's gotta eat so it's back to full time next week.

I got through work somehow. When I came home I was in such bad shape that Chris threatened to call someone to sit with me while he went to work. If there's anything worse than being a sobbing mess, it's being a sobbing mess while someone's staring at you. So I pulled myself together and sent him off to work while I went to church.

I do feel better for having had a good cry. Now I'm just a bit sad and tired. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.