Now, it's your turn. Where are you in your grief? Emotionally. Physically. Psychically. Title your post, "Right Where I Am:(Time since your child's death)". then come back here and link your blog post on the Mr. Linky. Click other participants and read about right where they are. Comment if you can. Just a thank you for telling me about right where you are. If you don't want to write a full post, why not just comment here and tell me the time since your loss(es) and anything else you want to share. Spread the word around the community by linking back to this post, so people can find out what grief is like on all stops on the road. Thanks to Angie for this prompt.
I hurt. As Chris noted the other day, I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. Oh I'm functional. I'm incredibly functional. I not only get out of bed, shower, dress myself, take care of the pets and go to work/weekend stuff every day but last weekend I planned and executed a great weekend getaway for myself and my husband. And it was a lot of fun. I hoped that would get me through my 2nd 30th (what is that called, it's not a year so it can't be anniversary) and then I'd be back on more solid ground until the double whammy next month of the third 30th followed closely by Mary's due date on July 4th. It seemed to be working, but this week the pain in my heart started back up and has built until it's almost back to crazy-making levels again today.
So I'm probably going to start counseling soon. I don't expect anyone to be able to make the pain go away, but I need better tools to deal with it. I'm actually doing pretty well at work, but school is suffering. I'm almost done and I can't quit now. But my focus is shot, and I need to get back on track. I'm also kind of hoping to enlist a professional to tell Chris that it's ok that I'm not ok. He'd never accuse me out loud, but I know he thinks I'm wallowing. He likes to talk about moving on. I know that it's possible to hold Mary's memory with joy instead of pain. I even do it occasionally. I'd like it to be that way all the time, but I just don't know how. Maybe the therapist will have some helpful ideas.